hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Randomize
