The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
FUCK WHALES
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
