Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
