I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You're like the curious george of whores
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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