She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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