The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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