You can't special order awesome
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
