I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
