so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
