wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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