I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My ass is underappreciated
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
