apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
