im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Congratulations! We have a period
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