I wish I could punch you in the face.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
