listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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