i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
