Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
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