too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
