I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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