Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
