i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
