don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
