My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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