You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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