My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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