3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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