She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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