Small penises have feelings too.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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