I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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