Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
