I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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