Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
