I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
