so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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