you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
