That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
