Ketchup is God's man juice
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
