The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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