take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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