I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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