this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
