also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I didn't notice because vodka
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
