how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
