My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
