My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
