I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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