Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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