Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize