just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
