Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize