i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
