Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
