You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
