I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
