Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
