i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
