I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
