Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
