3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
