between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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