Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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